Of Mauraders and Gnomes
by WinterPlot
Summary: A thrilling adventure... no, bad start, okay... something silly that everyone should read: Ch 2: CHRISTMAS EDITION! The leader Gnome wants world domination, and Sirius will give it to him because he is sexy. So is Remus.
1. Chapter 1

Miyu: Hello all, thank you for actually clicking on this story. I must apologize in advance, for you see, I don't normally write these kinds of things. No, nothing like this, and for that I am sorry, because I have even offended myself in writing this. Yet, I do have a good explanation. One of my dear friends, Luke, (who is a big Harry Potter fan as well) said to me one day (as I was saying how much I liked) the marauder era), "They don't DO anything though. They go around angst-ing, and that's it! They don't have a Dark Lord to defeat like Harry." So, I promised him that I'd write him a story where the DO something. This is what came out. (How could I possibly NOT write a humor fic?") Anyway, enjoy, and if something offends you, pisses you off, or in anyway irritates you, let me know. I love those kinds of things; they make me laugh. (Flames are accepted, and are used to light the fires of romance between characters) Since this is for Luke, I think I'll get him to do the disclaimer.

Luke: Hey…She doesn't own HP, nor anything else referenced in below story. She owns the plot, what little there is of it, herself, and the 25 bucks in her wallet. Warning, slight…(well, maybe not slight, but not that much…) anyway, slight slash. Don't like, read anyway. It's good for the soul.

THISISALINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINE

It was one of those days. The days were the Marauders were out Marauding (for that is of utmost importance), winged dragons were flying in the sky (for that is of importance too), little gnomes were running around freely (they had a recent infestation due to SOMEDODY'S prank), and the giant squid was wrestling for his life with the Loch Ness monster in the lake (he was visiting, wanting a break from 'the bloody tourists').

Dumbledore was up in his office, eyes glued to the glowing round ball he had been sent. "OOOooooooooo. Pretty lights." And with a flash, he was gone.

Not a moment later, McGonagall burst through the doors, Marauders in tow. "Professor!" She stopped when she saw no one was there. She turned to the three. "You are dismissed this time you ruffians, but next time when the headmaster is here… be warned!" She stomped out leaving the three in the room.

Looking around, Remus 'Accio'd' a glowing ball towards him. "Look Sirius! It's one of Sauron's balls!" (A/N: … Who here got that one? Luke: I did! Hahaha!)

"No, no, Remmie, Sauron is fictional."

"So are we! What if this is a terrible cross-over?"

"It can't be," James said, staring into the ball, "the author's not like that."

Sirius was meanwhile wandering around muttering things like "I'm fictional? I'm to hot to be fictional!"

Remus ignored him and continued on his plot conspiracy, "Let's go save Dumbledore, for surely he was taken by the Dark Side! We must change him back!"

James sighed. "Remus, don't you mean 'bring' him back, not 'change' him back?"

"NO! He's been taken by the power of the Dark Sith Lord! We must bring him back to Gondor!"

"… Remus. Stop." James said, and then went back to trying to pry Sirius from the window ledge he was trying to commit suicide from. "Sirius, you have to bloody stop going with Remmie to those Muggle movies."

With his uber-super-duper werewolf strength, Remus pried Sirius from the window sill and dragged him out of the castle. "Let's go save Dumbledore!" Remus whistled and a dragon swooped down, eating the inconspicuous future Death Eater who had been sneaking up on them covered in leaves to disguise himself. Remus petted his dragon as they all climbed on, the garden gnomes following. "Up, up and away!"

They dashed after the other retreating dragon, which had two figures on its back, Voldie and Dumbledore.

A plain robed officer on a hippogriff (for magical re-enforcement), 'radio'd' into Magical Officers. "We've got a B-42. A high speed chase on dragons in sector 36 in progress. Hurry or we'll lose them… fly you fools!"

In a matter of moments, the Marauders had caught up to the other dragon. "You'll never get away with this!" Remus yelled down to Voldie (for they were above them.).

"I already have!" Maniacal laughter ensued. "Kukukukuku!"

Sirius picked up a gnome with some maniacal Russian laughter. "XaXaXaXaXaXa! Gnomes away!" He dropped the gnome down on Voldie.

"Gaaaaargh!"

Getting the idea, James helped Sirius throw gnomes at Voldie, but unfortunately, a gnome hit Dumbledore and he died. The dragon spiraled downwards, the Marauders following.

The dragon crashed and Remus hopped off his dragon with his wand out. "Put your hands on our head, get on your knees and lean up against the dragon. I have a wand and I'm not afraid to use it!"

"Remus!" James gasped, "I never knew you were gay with the Dark Lord!" With a carefully aimed curse, James lay twitching on the ground.

The Magical Officers swooped down on their hippogriffs and read Voldie his rights. "His alcohol level is over the limit." Voldie was thus handcuffed and dragged away muttering things of "But the rum!"

James and Sirius went over to the dead Dumbledore only to find it was Peter Pettigrew dressed as Dumbledore. "But then where's Dumbledore?"

From the house near they had crashed stepped out a man in a frilly neon pink lady's dressing gown. It was Dumbledore. "Oh, hello boys!"

"Dumbledore? Why are you HERE?" James asked as Remus finished blowing the imaginary smoke from the end of his wand after patting a hippogriff on the rump, sending it on its way with inebriated and arrested Voldie on the back.

"Oh, I realized that I was about to miss my favorite Soap, so I rushed here to watch it because, well, TV's don't work in Hogwarts."

The boys said their good byes and went back to Hogwarts.

THISISALINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINE

"Well, we saved the world form certain doom/destruction."

"But what does it matter Remus?" Sirius cried. "We're fictional!"

Remus grabbed Sirius and snogged him.

"Sirius, you're real to me." And so, everything worked out. Remus and Sirius had hot, kinky sex every night, and so did Lily and James (She realized that she loved him when she was told of his heroics). And, because Peter Pettigrew was dead and Voldie was stuck in an insane asylum, there was no Dark Lord and Harry grew up in the loving arms of James and Lily with help from Sirius and Remus. Dumbledore kept watching his Soaps, and the loch ness monster married the giant squid (who knew the giant squid was a she?). The only thing wrong was that the gnomes ruled the forbidden forest, but the good thing was that they had special powers and took Remus' lycanthropy away.

Everything was good until…one day, Sirius took Harry aside.

"Harry, I am your father, Godfather."

THISISALINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINE

Miyu: Well…. That settles that. Hope you like it. If so, leave a review, if not, leave a review. If enough people want another chapter, I might do another one. (I was thinking doing the gnomes…… Whaddaya think?)


	2. Snowball Fight

Due to the heart-warming reviews, (and the joyous time I had coming up with the ideas), 'Of Marauders and Gnomes' is back. And, for your reading pleasure, it's a CHRISTMAS EDITION! It was one night at about midnight when my cat pounced upon me, did I get this idea. I've had been adding things to the 'to be' chapter about our cuddly Gnomes, and I suddenly realized that Christmas is almost here, and I couldn't help but think about Christmas with the Marauders and shiny balls. I couldn't resist. Truly, I shouldn't be doing this because I have too much work, but, oh well...

Disclaimer: I don't own ANY of the things mentioned in this here story. (I own the plot, of course). Thank you. No slash this time, unless you look REALLY hard. Sorry if you find spelling mistakes in here... my beta's were on holiday before this even touched their hands. I would check it myself, but I suck at editing my own work. Besides, I'm tired, and I'm also kinda rushed. I hate doing things on deadlines.

It's really weird because the way I write these stories is nothing like how I usually write, so I find it very choppy and un-descriptive... I don't know if I like them or not, but I guess if you all like them, I'm happy.

Before I get to the story, I have to say something... I had this student band teacher for a month... and he reminded me of Remus sooo much. He looked like him, he acted like him... damn... I wanted to huggle him, but I didn't, and now he's gone, and I didn't even get a picture! So sad... He knew me by name as well... and I was the only person he really talked to as well... so, if a Ryan Koush is reading this... I LOVE YOU! And, I dedicate this story to you...

THISISALINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINE

It was near Christmas and the Marauders were still marauding, the Gnomes were plotting, the Christmas decorations were being dragged out (a.k.a. mistletoe), Dumbledore was hanging candy canes everywhere (from doorknobs to people's noses), the armour was decked out with Santa hats and garlands, and evil was a foot. No, not the evil Sirius Black and James Potter (though they ARE evil) who were hanging garlands so low that if you were running you'd decapitate yourself, and putting mistletoe in every doorway, (EVERY) (Lucius comes out of the bathroom, letting Snape go in, they both freeze and look up "…Shit"). No, it was evil that only those that were short and wanting power, and sexy men (mind, Sirius wanted that too) could plot. The Gnomes. It's always the Gnomes... and I assure you, this is evil of a mighty kind that they are planning and plotting. Unfortunately, for the sake of the plot, I can't tell you what they were plotting just yet...

Our Marauders, as I have said, were marauding... actually, they were outside flailing in the snow and desperately trying to make snow forts.

"Aaaargh, Remmie, come help me with this bloody fort." Sirius grumbled as he heaved another pile of snow onto his mound.

"You just appointed me chief snowball-maker Sirius, I can't help you." Remus replied

Sirius snorted out some snow from his terribly cold nose and lifted a finger in Remus' direction. He also looked over at the fort that Lily and James were supposed to be making, but he had the distinct feeling that the two were snogging behind the fort, rather than building it. To make himself feel better, he started to sing.

"Hark the Holy Garden Gnomes, watch how they all froth and foam, in the caldron they do boil, and their pants they do soil. Run from us and hide away-ah, to their holes on Christmas Day-ah. With angelic songs do praise, for all our Marauding ways... On these Gnomes we will piss-"

"Sirius? What's this?" Remus held up a glowing object.

"The Holy Grail!" Sirius yelled.

James' head peeked over his snow mound, "Nah, Remus, it's an angel. It goes at the top of Christmas trees."

"What the fuck is a Christmas tree ornament doing out here?" Sirius pondered, but then he saw the Gnomes on the edge of the forest. They were decorating a pine tree, and as soon as he saw it, the angel was snatched out of Remus' hands.

"Keep your paws off him!" Growled Sirius; shaking his fist at them.

Remus shook his head and sighed. He knew better than to mess with the Gnomes. He had once, accidentally, rolled down a hill to the edge of the forest. There, the Gnomes over-powered him and stole his valuables. (a.k.a. his socks and underwear) "Bloody hell, what kind of person gets jumped by Gnomes?" He asked himself.

Within a few minutes, the forts were ready and the snowballs were stocked. With an exchange of nods between Sirius and James, the snowballs were flying. Remus laughed manically as Sirius was beaned in the head with a well-aimed ice ball Lily had thrown. A vague 'sorry' was heard over the shouts and curses of Sirius.

Sirius, planning revenge, grabbed a snowball yelling, "Hasta la vista, baby!"

Remus, knowing Sirius would fail, reached for a snowball. His hand hit air. The snowball had moved. He reached for it again, and it moved. He glared skeptically at it. It moved again, and wiggled. "Aaaah! It's alive!" He yelled, he tried to run away, but suddenly a pack of Gnomes jumped him again. "Ah, fuck." Before a blindfold was pulled over his eyes, he saw a little Gnome head pop out of the snowball.

THISISALINELINELINELINELINELINELINE

The volley of snowballs from James' side stopped, and James made his way over to Sirius while snowballs thudded around him. Sirius had always had terrible aim.

"Sirius, have you not realized that your partner has just been untimely kidnapped by Gnomes?"

Sirius looked around. "Remus? Damn, what kind of person bets kidnapped by Gnomes?"

THISISALINELINELINELINELINELINELINE

The blindfold was taken off a while later, and Remus blinked his eyes open. He was sitting at the top of a pine tree in the middle of a Gnome village. Remus had always been terribly afraid of heights, so he clung to the tree. A flashing light caught his eyes and he found his favorite Christmas ornament, his Star wars Yoda ball. He grabbed it and held onto it tightly. "Damnit, first they steal my underwear, now my balls! What's next?" Speaking of underwear, he looked up and found his underwear was perched on the top of the tree. He looked down to ground (which was terribly far away) to see Gnomes passing out cheese and muttering "Happy Easter".

"We're not in Tokyo any more, Yoda." He took a better look at his surrounding and found that there were garlands, tinsel, Christmas ornaments, his socks, his underwear, and glowing fairies in jars hung on the tree. "What kind of Sick and twisted Gnomes are they?" He cried.

A tiny ladder was placed near Remus, and up climbed a Gnome clad in red robes with a giant hat. The Gnomes had a Pope?

"Hello sexy werewolf."

Damnit, did everyone know he was a werewolf?

"I suppose you are vondering vhy you 'ave been brought here. It is az simple az this – I vant vorld domination".

A Gnome Pope with a Swedish accent wanting world domination? Very sick and twisted.

THISISALINELINELINELINELINELINELINE

"Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, no one was stirring, not even a mouse."

"Couple things wrong there Prongs, dear. "Sirius said. James, Lily and Sirius were on a quest through the forest to find Remus. "Your statement was WRONG. It isn't the night before Christmas, it's a couple days, second of all, it isn't a house, it's a castle, third, there's a hell of a lot of noise in the castle."

A drunken Gnome passed singing a rather crude rendition of 'Silent Night'. There was a five minute pause as the lyrics were considered, then a, "and fourthly, it's not a mouse, its a rat. Peter's a rat and dead."

THISISALINELINELINELINELINELINELINE

"But why capture me? I hold no power at all!" Remus cried.

"But you do. You are sexy, so because Sirius is sexy, he will save you. Once Sirius is here, we will capture him too, and the world will bow down to us because Sirius rules millions of fan girls!"

"Why didn't you just capture him before instead of me?"

"What kind of person is kidnapped by Gnomes?"

"Good point."

THISISALINELINELINELINELINELINELINE

"No, Sirius. Your version makes NO sense. 'It was a couple days before Christmas and all through the castle, there was lost of noise and Peter is dead' is WRONG!"

"It's fine!"

"It doesn't even rhyme!"

"Neither does holly and Falalalala! And that's the most popular song EVER!"

THISISALINELINELINELINELINELINELINE

Remus was still up in the tree, but the Gnomes had given him gingerbread to munch on.

THISISALINELINELINELINELINELINELINE

"Sirius, Lily and I are leaving. We can't stand you. You have to do this by yourself... do you think you can do it?"

Sirius nodded. "I have a plan, don't worry."

"And the plan is..."

"I'll make him an offer he can't resist...

THISISALINELINELINELINELINELINELINE

He was still stuck in the tree and the gingerbread was gone.

THISISALINELINELINELINELINELINELINE

"I'll be back." Sirius said as the three parted ways. A soon as James and Lily were gone, he started to sing again. "I wanna hippopotamus for Christmas, only hippopotamus will do..." (A/N: That was for all those people who have seen the Telus commercial and love it.)

THISISALINELINELINELINELINELINELINE

He was still stuck in the tree. The Gnome Pope (whose name was Vlad) came up to greet him once more. "We have held a council, and the Elders agree to let you have one life-line."

Remus (shaking with grief (and because of the height)) managed to squeak out, "Re-mus phone home."

THISISALINELINELINELINELINELINELINE

Sirius finally stumbled upon a clearing and in the middle he saw Remus in a tree. He ran over to him. "Remus, are you okay?"

"Run, Sirius, it's a trap! They only want you for you sexiness!"

Sirius stood right below Remus. "Remus, you're 10 feet off the ground, I'll catch you if you jump. I swear I'll protect you."

With a quick breath, Remus jumped. He fell into Sirius' arms.

The Gnomes were advancing with nets.

"Now what?" Remus asked.

Sirius' eyes darted around. He put Remus down on the ground and grabbed his hand. Screw the plan. "Run away! Run away!"

They ran.

THISISALINELINELINELINELINELINELINE

"Shit, okay. Plan B, operation 'capture Snape and scare the world into giving us power'."

THISISALINELINELINELINELINELINELINE

Within the safety of the castle (in the kitchens) Sirius finally managed to calm Remus down.

"Remus, do you want some hot chocolate to warm you up?"

Remus nodded in affirmation. "Shaken, not stirred."

THISISALINELINELINELINELINELINELINE

Thank you for reading this, I didn't think it was as good as the first Chapter, but it's still here (and in the nic of time too… it's almost Christmas Eve!) I hope you enjoyed it, and please review because the Gnomes are waiting.

If I get a good enough response, I might post the next chapter (about the Gnomes) sooner.

Lots of Love with a good holiday, Miyu Hitozawa.


End file.
